It Hurts Me

It hurts me,
knowing that I deserve so much more than what you’re giving,
but I keep choosing to stay.

It hurts me,
hearing your everyday lies,
but I keep on trusting you.

It hurts me,
to see that it’s impossible for you to love me,
but I keep on loving you.

It hurts me,
because I didn’t know how to fix myself,
but I keep trying to fix you.

~ice~

Hiding The Pain

bleed

You’ve said that you need me and asked if I could stay. I told myself I would stay until you get over with all your trouble… until I’ll see you rise again. I saw how broken you were and no one dare to ask if you were okay. I’m the only person you can count on every time you feel so down and needed someone to talk too.

I’ve been with you almost every night watch getting yourself drunk. Listen to all your heartaches and frustrations in life. You don’t want me to leave because you want me to hug you until you’ll fall asleep. I didn’t leave you because I’ve noticed that you were afraid to be alone. Maybe that’s the reason why you need me…maybe because I made you feel better in your miserable life or maybe I`m good for your ego.

I was at your side on your lowest point of your life. There was a time that you told me you love me and I’m the best thing that ever happened to your life. I was dumbfounded and you didn’t know how much it affects me.

The pain is killing me.

I’m not aware that I would love you at your worst. I never intend to stay this long. I`ve never thought that I would fall so deep. I have no plans on loving you so much because I know what kind of pain it’ll cause me. But I embraced all the pain and let myself love you…I let you break my heart over and over. I didn’t know that it would hurt me much.

I wanted to leave because the pain is killing me. I told you to be honest when it comes to your past. Yes you’ve been honest but there’s one thing you didn’t tell me and that cause me a big heartache.

So many questions that longing for an answer.

Why you didn’t tell me about her? Why you didn’t tell me that you’re still together? What did I do that made you lied many times? Am I not enough for you that’s why you still keeping her? Why you can’t love me the way I love you and the way you love her? Why her and not me? Why do you need me if you still love her? From the time that you were down did she even bothered to ask you then why it’s hard for you to let her go?

She was  the reason of all your heartaches…she made you a fool…she made you feel stupid…she cheated on you! She only have you at your best not on your worst and yet you still love her? You ignored the girl who was willing to give you the whole world, you ignored me!

Love can make you feel stupid.

In spite of everything I found out yet I’m still willing to stay and willing to embrace all your flaws.  Yes…I am hoping that when you get tired of loving her maybe that would be the time you’ll see my worth. And if does not happen I am still grateful that at least I tried to work things out between us.

I would not letting you go…for now! Because I’ll hold on to what you’ve said “Stay with me until I’ve learned to unloved her”. But I don’t know how much longer I can hold on.

A Second Chance for a Player

Screenshot 2017-03-09 11.33

“The biggest coward is a man who awakens a woman’s love with no intention of loving her” – Bob Marley

 

You were the person who ruined her life back then but now she will take a risk of entrusting her heart to you by giving you a second chance because you asked for it.

She’s a type of woman that will give many chances until you’ve realized her worth. She never get mad when she found out that you were flirting with a lot of women because she knew from the start that you’re a player. A player she thought that she could change.

She hides her sadness every time she’s with you and who aren’t afraid to say I Love You when she really feel it. She believe in everything you said to her not because she’s stupid but because she believes that there’s a good in you. She saw something in you that made her decide to stay even if it hurts her..

She’s aware of the pain you will give her the moment she start caring and loving you. As much as she wanted to avoid not to fall so deep she can’t help herself and forget the pain you brought to her.

She never imagined that she would meet a person from her past with a different personality, a different you. She just thought that maybe you are a changed person or she just never met you as a deep and emotional person back then.

What if she fought for you from the start? Will she still have you now or everything will be a so called relationSHIT?

The emptiness you’ve felt every time you were alone.  All the pain you’ve been through from the past that always brought back to your memory like it was happened yesterday. She felt sorry for that… for not taking chances 7 years ago. Her heart is silently crying knowing that you fought your own battle without her on your side. For the broken hearts and for all the hard times.

The moment that she decided to accept you and realized how broken you are the more she’s willing to give herself and try again if second chance is worth it for a man like you…for a player like you!

They’ve said everything happens for a reason. So if it didn’t work for the first try maybe now is the time to make it up for all the chances that you both didn’t take.

 


DISCLAIMER: photo not mine, grabbed from google.

The saddest part…

From the moment I saw you, I thought you were just an ordinary guy. Then you’ve got me with your looks but I try my very best to ignore everything about you. Days have passed… weeks…months… and I found myself looking at you from afar. You’re always there in everyday of my life…ignoring my presence, still I can’t help myself to longing for more.
The most awaited day has come, you smiled at me, makes me fall deeply. For some odd reason, we started to get along. You held my hands and never let go. I still can’t believe those things happened and the moment you’ve said ‘Stay with me and I will hold you forever’ I was so happy and thankful that I can able to say… dreams really do come true. The thought that you were with me, feels like I’ve reached the top of my dreams.

 The saddest part… it was all my dreams and it will only  happen every time I fall asleep. Wish I could stay in my dreams for my entire life so I can be able to touch you.

The truth is… you’re just a dream that never come true. A kind of star that even from a distance it’s hard to look at. I know I need to end what I truly felt from you because in the end… I will just hurt myself.  From the moment I realized that I’m fallen for you, I’m aware for the consequences that I’ll have to face.

You were just one step ahead but still it’s hard to reach. I was  at your back loving you secretly. I don’t have the guts to tell you all of these because I’m afraid that even from afar I will never get a chance to look at you.

So please… allow me to love you from a distance and to look at you while you’re passing by…even if you don’t look back… even if you don’t love me back.

My Heart Speaks Volume 02: I Miss You Big Brother

December 16, 2015 – it’s your BIRTHDAY!
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I was just staring at my computer monitor… I don’t know where would I start. Should I start asking HOW ARE YOU? or should I start with WHY DO WE LIVE AWAY FROM EACH OTHER?

I guess I should start with saying, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MY BIG BROTHER! (I know it’s late, let’s pretend that it still your birthday, though!). Yes, bro, it’s your birthday, meaning the start of “Simbang Gabi” (fyi, Simbang Gabi is a devotional nine-days series of masses. For more info you can check here: wikipedia) and we missed you a lotRemember, back then, we’re excited every 16th of December – waking up 3:00 AM to attend mass at 4:00 AM. We need to complete the nine-days Masses, we used to believe that if we complete the Simbang Gabi our wishes will come true. I know that it’s not my birthday and I may not be able to do the nine days masses, but my only wish… is to bring back the time that you’re still with us. Come home with us, bro, let’s create another memories… memories that we can treasure. Memories that you missed from the day you left. You’ve missed a lot of occasions like, dad and mom’s birthday. I was upset by that time, I don’t know if you just ignored or we are really forgotten.

The bond we had before… compare to our siblings, US was really different. We’re buddies…we sleep together in one bed…you fetch me on my school and remember when I got drunk? I was at my friend’s house and I texted mom that I couldn’t come home. I was surprised when they told me that you were outside, waiting for me, geez, you were like my boyfriend! There’s a lot of memories that I really missed. Being with you together with our family is the most important thing in this Christmas. But I guess that’s life.. life doesn’t turn out the way we want it. We are the one who’s responsible to the path that we choose.. and you chose to live away from us.

If by chance you realized that you wanted to come back, we’re just here,  welcoming you with open arms. We may not be able to see each other but one thing I’ll assure you, you’re always welcome. We love you bro, I never tell you how much exactly you mean to me but I LOVE YOU and GOD knows how much I really miss you… the laughs… the talks… the time that we spent together. You were my BEST FRIEND , the one I used to run and talk to. The one who always protect me, the one who cover up with all my mistakes to our parents. I may not even lost you literally but your absence make me feel that you were gone. I may not be your only sister but I know I’m your favorite, because I’m your first sister.

Thank you Big Brother, for everything you’ve done to me. For the hard work you did in our family. Thanks for always being the perfect older brother to me(us). My memories on my childhood, would not be perfect without an older brother like you, so, I am really grateful and honor to God for giving you as my brother.

Sorry, if I wasn’t able to accept that you already had your own life (new life from your second wife). For the time you feel alone and forgotten, I am so sorry. When you lead astray and I’m not there to redirect you, I am so sorry. For not giving you my full support when you chose to live with that bitch (yes! she’s a bitch), I’m truly sorry. Still I won’t approve her, though! Oh, I remember when you marry your first wife, I don’t like her too! Now, I realized one thing, maybe I’ve got jealous or maybe because I used to be your only girl. Okay, for all that, I am so sorry!

Once again… happy happy birthday to my one and only big brother. I wish that you can celebrate the Christmas with us. Please come home for Christmas, your daughters waiting for you. Please visit them often…

You First Sister
(still your little sister),
~ice~


I can’t believe I’ve been doing my second volume of My Heart Speaks (click the link I provide to read the volume one). Geez, my heart is very talkative!
Actually, he had a second wife. The reason why he’s away from us – my parents did not approve his relationship with his second wife (that include’s me). I still can’t accept the fact that he has his own life to live with. If you guys want some background check it here.

Let me see if I can able to publish the third volume before the year end. Still don’t have any idea, though!

My Heart Speaks Volume 01 : Drown

drowning

If I write down all the times you crossed my mind, my blog will be filled of thoughts about you.

I know there’s a lot of ish things happened between us. If only I have the power to UNDO everything that had happened. I’ll go and stop to the moment that I wasn’t able to help you. Sometimes, I felt like I didn’t do my role as your girlfriend. The problem with me, I let you do your own thing and now you didn’t grow. You became contented to what you achieved which is nothing. And I hate whatever your doing right now, I wanted to help you but I guess it’s too late. You stay at home 7 days a week and 24 hours a day, doing nothing or should I say doing some house hold choirs. But in-spite of all that I’d still love you and hoping that someday you will have plans for US (sounds pathetic). I came to a point that I’ve almost lost my faith in you and even in our relationship, but the good thing, you were always there to remind me not to give up. You never fail to show how much you love me, you accept all my flaws..my mood swing..you even love everything about me. I feel so f****ng unfair about how I felt for you. I’m not saying I didn’t love you back.. I love you ever since we started this relationship up to now. I might say, that our feelings grow deeper and deeper but not stronger as we thought. Come to think of it, we’ve been together for almost 14 years and I think we’re stuck, we’re blinded by our own feelings and with our own beliefs. (insert sad face)

While I was musing, I’ve realized something…so clearly, you were contented of what we are right now the way how you contented with yourself. You didn’t notice that something’s missing in our relationship and I don’t know if you’re aware and just ignored it. I was came to a point that I felt so tired – not with my feelings for you but in our relationship routine (geez, if he can read my blog right now. It would broke his heart and I’m so thankful that he don’t spend time surfing to the internet, he knows I have a blog, though!).

I’ve been trying to tell you this so many times. Remember the day when I asked some space for us. What did you told me, that we can fix things without separating each other, I agreed on that, because, I LOVE YOU. I want you to understand, that sometimes we need to let go of each other. Not just because I gave up, but to make things right between us. It’s not that I’m saving myself from drowning in love, because as much as I wanted too, I was drowned the moment I started to love you.

Now, I’m scared that one day, you’ll wake up and realize that we really need to separate ways (I know 100%, it would come). If that day comes, I’m already drenched in your love and I don’t know if I can get up from drowning and if I would be ready from that moment (sad but true). You didn’t ask for anything, because you said that you already have ME and I am more than enough.

Thank you for always believing in me; for loving me, for trying your best to show your effort, for everything you did for the sake of our relationship, for giving me your shoulder to cry on (I don’t remember how many times I cried on his shoulder), for making me feel that you are not just a boyfriend but a friend (best friend) that I can always count on.

I stayed and chose to be drown in your love!

=01=


This is so much like an OPEN LETTER (well, literally it is!), but that word was overrated and I wanted something different. Why not change it to something new and catchy. So, I come up with the idea of MY HEART SPEAKS. When your making a letter to someone (if it’s really sincere), not only your mind can speak but 100% of it, was the HEART.  This is just the first part of “My Heart Speaks”, meaning there’s more to come and hoping to get publish more volumes. Now, I’ll find out here, if how many times MY HEART SPEAKS!

Simple Rant

Are you happy when you helped someone?
Did you find enjoyment on helping them without expecting in returns?
How ’bout helping and expect something in return, would you still find happiness?

Can I be brutally honest…… I hate those persons who literally ask something for me (material thing to be exact) after the favor they did! Can you just wait for me to return the favor (am I being rude here?). I feel like I’ve been manipulated for telling me to buy something in return for your help . She didn’t tell it straight to my face, on my mom’s face, though! I know how to return kindness (if what you did was kindness not business).

If you’re helping someone and expecting something in return, you’re doing business not kindness….

Okay, who am I talking here? Her name is ‘Dess’ (my cousin). Instead of renting a house, we moved into their house (me and my family)bc of ongoing construction of our new house (I bought last year). My mom told them we’ll pay, like we’re renting (as a return for their kindness) but my auntie (Des Mom) doesn’t like the idea. We can stay as long as we want. So we stayed (since August) until now and planning to move out December 08 (current year). I know we owed her and her family a huge favor bc of her mom and dad’s kindness (yes! her mom and dad, not her, though). Ow, btw, she also say this.. “you should apply GIVE and TAKE” something like that (the f word), we can return the favor in a diff’rent ways not with her on way (so cut the crap!). I AM NOT IN THIS WORLD TO LIVE UP TO YOUR EXPECTATIONS AND YOU ARE NOT IN THIS WORLD TO LIVE UP MINE! So stop acting we owed you a lot! If there’s anyone I’d be thankful for, it should be your mom and dad! (my cuz really pissing me off..jeez she’s getting on my nerve!).

 I don’t know how to say this without sounding cocky but I’m a type of person who would help you anytime, anywhere (as long as I can) without asking/expecting in return. And I am also a type of person that if you would help me, I’ll find ways to return the favor (kindness) you did! I don’t know if I’m the only one who get noticed this or I’m just being overacting, which is I don’t really get it! Why some people keep on acting they’re tryna’ make some help but as a result, they expect something on you, is that normal? What if the person you helped was not able to give what you want? What if they didn’t meet your expectations? What would you feel, would you get mad to that person?

Expectation are to be kept based on the capacity of the other person and not your own. Well, I guess these people are EGOISTIC and most often feels disappointment in life. Rid yourself of ego to live a life of less expectations, less hurt and misery, you can only get offended if you haven’t learned to truly give without expectation of return. It is not wrong to expect but it is wrong to expect someone to live up to the expectations.

If expecting something in return is your reason for giving, you are really not giving- you’re swapping. If you receive something in return for your gift, what you receive is a bonus – not a repayment of a debt.

Tenacious

She need space,
Space – you both needed.
You can’t bear to lose her,
The thought of you losing her makes you feel so empty. 

You both have the same feels – love in each other,
enough reason not to let go.
Self-centered.. not to give what she want.

She ask for an assurance,
All you did was wrapped your arms around her,
That send shivers down her spine.

 You made a promise.
Promise – she accept wholeheartedly.
And just like that, your body move close to her,
And both of you can’t resist the temptation.

The night.. that supposed to be the end,
was the start of a new promises.
She hold on to what you’ve promised,
Hoping you’ll not break it.

When is the right time to let go?

~ice~


…while thinking about something to blog that’s what I’ve got. Just trying to express my feelings, though! #CurrentlyFeels